Will Your Marriage Survive Overseas?

It's no secret that family-related issues are among the top reasons that overseas assignments fail. And who better to understand those issues  -- and offer advice and support on getting through them -- than those who have "been there" and "done that" themselves. That's the essence of Woman Abroad, a recently launched international magazine devoted exclusively to helping women living away from their home country to develop their careers, improve their skills, cope with third-culture family problems, and enjoy a new world of networking with like-minded women. In short, it's a great resource for your female expat population -- whether they actually work for you or are married or in partnership with your expat employees.

The following article is reprinted with the kind permission of Woman Abroad to give you and your expats a taste of the types of articles you might find in each issue. For further information on the publication or to order a complimentary issue, please visit the Woman Abroad web site at http://www.womanabroad.com.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

by Phyllis Adler

Like your precious china and crystal, a marriage too should be bubble wrapped before you move. It's not unusual in an international move. You carefully pack, then you carefully unpack, only to find that some things still get chipped, or even worse, broken. Like a marriage. Even a good one.  "I thought we were fine before the move or I wouldn't have come. Now I feel like I hate him," says Angela, after following her husband across the globe from Asia. 
During the transition time -- the time we begin to leave our old place until the time we feel comfortable in our new surroundings -- the pieces of our lives that supported us and our marriage often go missing. For a period of time we may be without friends, family or support systems.

In her own words
"I was happy at home. I had a job and my own money. Now I don't even have a bank card. Suddenly I feel second class," says Barbara. Not only had she left her friends behind, but she had also lost a career she loved and her feelings of independence. "The worst part was filling in the school form where it says, 'in case of emergency call '. . .I had no one to name. My husband was always traveling. I was alone. My life felt out of control," recalls Pam, a mother of three.  Feeling overlooked, lonely, out of control, anxious and unappreciated are common emotions during this period. Very little is familiar or known. Our normal ability to understand what is going on around us doesn't always work.

Diane used to run her own business but when she came to England she was all but destroyed by her failed attempts to buy a mop.  "I had no idea where to go. There seemed to be no big DIY sort of store and no one to ask. When I eventually decided where to to I needed a map to plan a route. The process took all day. I went to the wrong store and got lost on the way. I came home and cried," she remembers. 

While we go through the changes brought on by a move, and face new lifestyles and customs, we may look to our marriage to fulfill more of our needs than it did before the move. Unfortunately, this is often the time couples are pulling in different directions, each with their own adjustment needs, and with even less to give to each other. "We used to have time at the end of the day. Now we hardly see each other and when we do I need to say so much and he is too tired to listen," says Sarah.

These days it is not always the wife who is 'trailing' and left to cope with the loneliness. Kevin moved from Australia and left his job to follow his wife. "I thought I was a loner before I came here, but now I spend days on my own and wish I could find some company," says Kevin. "When he turned to his wife, Sue, to help fill the gaps he discovered that she, like most spouses on a new assignment, was overwhelmed herself. "This new job is harder than I thought it would be. I am exhausted at the end of the day. Kevin needs to figure things out for himself. I just can't do it," says Sue. In their old life, she had never needed to supply so much support.

Working spouses, like Tom, often feel they are just a 'meal ticket.' "Why do I need to tell her she's doing a good job too? No one ever tells me. They hardly notice when I come home," Tom says with sadness.

For Tom, as for others, the relationship, which had been fine, now felt like it had a gaping fault. Rather like an old sofa, it was not holding up well when exposed to a new environment.
Carol remembers how she became jealous of a wife whose husband knew how many brown lunch bags they needed to bring back from the U.S. to London each year. 

"How close they seemed. It made me feel more miserable. When I told my husband how I felt, he laughed, which only made matters worse. But my husband had been right to laugh. Normally, I would have hated it if he were so involved with my life that we even needed to share such trivia. In general, I am a person who needs my space. So, while I was fantasizing about this perfect togetherness, for me it would become claustrophobic. I enjoy finding my emotional sustenance from varying quarters, and tend not to rely on one person," says Carol. It turned out that the "lunch bag" couple later divorced. The wife complained that the husband was so boring he even knew how many paper bags they had!

Make an inventory
While it may be true to say that if your marriage worked before the move, it may not need attention during the transition, moving can often highlight imperfections. At the same time, try not to rush to conclusions because you are currently feeling distressed or angry over your current situation. It usually takes a year to find your equilibrium again. 
Moving can definitely endanger a marriage. Too often, we overlook the basis for the positive feelings in our relationship, forgetting to take care of the things that make it work. To successfully transfer a marriage, we may need to unpack, or understand the basics, before we pack up. 

Before you go, make an inventory of your marriage. Not everyone handles moving, change or uncertainty with ease. Not everyone makes friends easily or is able to rough it in a different country. Not everyone can live in limbo. Consider the following for a moment:

What does your partner contribute to the good feelings you have about yourself and your life together.

What may you be leaving behind that will need to be replaced and how will you do that?

What and where are your support systems?

Be aware of how vulnerable you may become during the resettlement process and how long that feeling can last.

Find out all you can about the new location and the people who live there before you go.

Paula wished she had known, among other things, such as moving appliances, about Little League in London.

"My children thought that the other kids just didn't want to play with them. I spent US$100s on Legos just to keep them happy when all I needed was to know to ask the school ahead of time about contacts, clubs and activities. But no one told me and it was my first move," she says. It can also be confusing. Most moves are a move 'up' not just away. Tru could not understand why she was so upset when she had everything. "I feel like I'm crazy," she says. "How can I complain when we are doing so much better financially than most people? there's nothing wrong and yet I feel terrible."

Like many spouses who change their lives to follow the other she was feeling forgotten in the shuffle of the move, the kids and the new job. In Tru's case, her husband's life was so full that he forgot to think about her invaluable  contribution to their new lives. It didn't seem like much to him in comparison with his own work. He couldn't understand what Tru was upset about and why the new car did not compensate her for feeling undermined and under-valued.

A marriage is fragile
Statistics show that one third of moves fail because the family is unhappy. Companies give little more than lip service to that fact even though each failure costs over $250,000. The value of valuing each other is often overlooked. While it is seldom a topic at company meetings, it may need to be put on the table at home, or at a romantic restaurant before the stress really hits. 

Knowing your own value and needs, and the need to value the other, while always important, becomes even more so when we are jet lagged and move lagged. It is even more so when couples are separated during a move. You don't want to feel as Angela did, hating her husband, or being hated, even for a little while. Like Tom's wife and Tru's husband, Angela's husband forgot to show he cared by listening. As the stories here illustrate so clearly, giving things is not the same as valuing.

Being extra kind to each other is too easily overlooked but it is as necessary as the bubble wrap around crystal. If you don['t want to endanger your marriage during a move, handle your partner with care, letting him or her know you value what they do. That's marital bubble wrap.  Your marriage is fragile. Look after it.

Phyllis Adler, an American lawyer, is a psychotherapist and director of Just Mediation, which works with divorcing couples and commercial disputes. Contact her at pajadler@aol.com for workshop and other information.